Four Antidotes to Negative Behaviors Within Intimate Relationships

Through John Gottman’s research studying couple relationships, he determined that there are four behaviors that are, in general, harmful to relationships (Gottman, 2008). These behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. As defined by Gottman, criticism is stating that a problem is a deficit in the partner’s character. Contempt is a statement made from a position of superiority that often includes sarcasm, direct insults, or name calling, or something more subtle. Defensiveness is a form of self-protection through taking a victim stance or counterattacking the partner. Stonewalling is emotional disengagement from interactions (Gottman, 2008).

These four harmful behaviors all have an antidote. These are ways to behave that are proven to be helpful to relationships.

Antidote #1

To combat ill effects of criticism, switch from “you” statements to “I” statements. This means instead of blaming your partner, you respond with an “I” statement that encapsulates your feelings. Here is an example, in the middle of an argument one partner may be inclined to say, “You are so mean and controlling,” this would be defined as criticism. Instead the person could say “I am feeling defeated right now,” which would be the antidote to criticism. This often will help to de-escalate situations and help prevent further emotional wounds from the conflict.  

Antidote #2

The antidote to contempt is the presence of respect. This means first and foremost that contemptuous comments are no longer being made. This is the starting point of showing respect. After contemptuous comments have been eliminated partners can begin to highlight their partner’s strengths. So instead of saying, “Why are you acting like a child?” you might say “I appreciate how you are able to be open with me even when it makes you uncomfortable and emotional.” The goal here is to work towards creating a culture of appreciation and admiration (Gottman, 2008).

Antidote #3

The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. This means that instead of pointing the finger at your partner you take responsibility for your part in the problem, even if it is only a small part. By taking responsibility you are likely deescalating the situation and setting an example for your partner to follow. The more you take responsibility the more you will be creating a culture of responsibility-taking within your relationship. Taking responsibility does not mean that you are ignoring your partners behaviors and pretending that they do not affect you. That would be dishonest and promote a culture of distrust. Taking responsibility means that you are looking at how your behaviors are contributing to an issue while still being honest and open about your feelings.

Antidote #4

The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing to increase physiological regulation and emotional engagement. This means that you learn how to self-sooth when things are difficult to help you avoid becoming dysregulated. After all, stonewalling is a technique to help prevent people from getting dysregulated. However, it leaves the partner feeling isolated and alone in the relationship. Finding ways to help you stay regulated while in the middle of a difficult conversation with your partner can help you prevent the adverse effects that come from stonewalling. It can be useful to communicate the fact that you need some space for self-soothing. A way to do this would be to say, “I am going to take a 15 minute walk so I can get grounded and be present for our conversation.” Some examples of self-soothing techniques are taking breaks, focusing on your breath, and/or having a tasty snack. These are just a few examples and there are many more ways to self sooth.

What if my partner and I are struggling to implement these antidotes?

Nobody is perfect; It is normal to slip-up from time to time when it comes to implementing the antidotes. However, if you find it especially difficult to implement one or more of these antidotes consistently into your relationship, that may be a good indicator that some further support is needed. You may want to consider reaching out to a couples therapist who will be able to assist you and your partner in navigating these antidotes. A couples therapist may also help to get to the deeper rooted issues that may be related to the difficulty implementing these antidotes.

 Reference

Gottman, J. M. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. Clinical handbook of couple therapy, 4(8), 138-164.