Love is in The Small Things: Turning Towards to Strengthen Intimate Relationships
Promoting positivity to help relationships succeed.
Do you have a sense that you and your partner are drifting apart? It may be that your relation-SHIP has run out of fuel and is now adrift at sea. Most modern ships rely on fuel to propel them forward. Relationships are like ships in that they also require fuel for them to work. Fuel for your relationship comes from the positive interactions between you and your partner.
Turning towards your partner is one of the ways to add positivity. Turning towards your partner can be thought of as doing things like telling your partner you appreciate them, scratching their back, cooking them dinner, etc. They are small things that will help to fill up the ‘fuel tank’ of your relationship.
It is also important to turn towards your partner during times of conflict. You may be asking yourself, “How can I turn towards my partner when I am mad at them?” This may feel challenging at first, but it is doable. An example of this would be that during a conflict with your partner, you put your hand on their hand. This form of physical touch can help to calm both you and your partners autonomic nervous systems and de-escalate the situation. Another way to turn towards your partner is you say, “I know we are both frustrated right now with this situation, but I need you to know I love you and I am here for you.” By saying this, you have just made the conflict about the moment and not about your partner. This is a huge! It decreases the overall negativity of the situation and shows that while you are frustrated with the situation you are not blaming it on your partners character.
Research has shown that turning away (instead of turning towards) can be potentially devastating because it increases the likelihood of future turning away (Driver, 2006). Over time this may lead to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction within a relationship. No one is perfect and one day you may accidentally or intentionally turn away. That happens. However, when it becomes a norm rather than an exception then it becomes toxic to a relationship. If you realized that you turned away from your partner, it is important to apologize for that. Let them know that in the future you will work on turning towards them instead of away. Even ask them how they would like to be turned towards. By asking ways that you can turn towards them, you are showing that you care. By turning towards them in the ways they asked you to, you are showing that you listened.
Try to think back to the start of an intimate relationship that you or a friend of yours had, you will probably recognize that there was A LOT of turning towards each other. At the beginning of a relationship it just feels good to turn towards your partner. Many people know this as the ‘honeymoon’ phase. However, often as the relationships progresses partners start turning towards each other less and less for a variety of reasons. This is a small thing that over time can relate to dissatisfaction within a relationship. It is something to be mindful of when thinking about the future that you want to have with your partner. So, why not add more turning towards into your relationship now? After all, it is one of the key components to a healthy relationship (Meunier & Baker, 2012). Small bids towards your partner increases the overall positivity within the relationship.
Love is in the small things. One of the most distinguished intimate relationship researchers argues that the root of emotional connection lies in the mundane, everyday moments of life (Gottman, 2008, p. 149). This suggests that deep emotional connection is created during the small everyday moments that partners have together. By turning towards your partner on a regular basis, even during times of conflict, you are adding fuel to your relation-SHIP by helping to create openness, safety, and security for both you and your partner.
References
Driver, J. L. (2006). Observations of newlywed interactions in conflict and in everyday life. University of Washington.
Gottman, J. M. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. Clinical handbook of couple therapy, 4(8), 138-164.
Meunier, V., & Baker, W. (2012). Positive couple relationships: The evidence for long-lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Positive relationships (pp. 73-89). Springer, Dordrecht.
