The Gift of Grief

The process of healing and growing from loss.

This article was written by Ashlyn King, MFTC.

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

-M.S. Merwin

Throughout our lives, we will experience loss. Some of these losses are tangible and large, like the death of a parent or friend. Some losses seem small but still impact us deeply, such as losing a childhood memento or moving to a new home. No matter the type of loss, we are all impacted by grief at some point in our lives. Grief is the process of healing after a loss. Just like a physical wound needs certain things to heal, healing from a psychological and emotional wound also requires a certain process to heal (Blatner, 2000). Grieving is part of this process. However, in our current culture, we do not support the grief process well, and when we experience loss we are unsure of how to cope. We tell each other “you need to move on,” “she is in a better place” and “you’ll have another baby.”  These trite responses invalidate the deep pain and make it difficult to heal from the wounds of loss. So, what should you say when someone is grieving? Here are a few tips to help you become a better support for grieving friends and to accept the process of grief yourself.

1)     Accept the Emotions That Grief Brings

When you are grieving you may feel a variety of confusing emotions and symptoms, including:

-        Sadness

-        Physical pain

-        Loneliness

-        Feeling lost

-        Anger

-        Guilt

-        Relief

-        Feeling numb

-        Feeling that you are “going crazy” or are “out of control”

-        Forgetfulness

All of these emotions are normal. Do not judge yourself for feeling deeply or unlike yourself, because letting yourself feel is the first step toward healing. Also, crying is an important part of grieving. Many people feel afraid that they won’t stop if they let themselves cry. The truth is, you will stop crying and will continue to move forward in the process of healing (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2014). Accepting the turmoil of grief is the first step towards healing.

2)     Tell the Story to Trusted People

Two of the foremost researchers on grief and loss wrote that “grief must be witnessed to be healed” (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2014). While sharing your pain can feel uncomfortable and sometimes feel impossible, talking about your memories and experience may lessen the power of the pain. If you are listening to someone in grief, remember not to minimize their story. Losses are very personal—your pain is your pain. Comparing your grief to the grief of others does not help the pain go away.

3)     Seek Support

It is important to seek support when you are grieving. Reach out to safe friends and family. Find a therapist to process the loss and have support in the grief journey, especially if you are experiencing any of the red flags indicated below.

4)     Reintegrate your Life

Create rituals that help you feel connected to the person you lost (Castle & Phillips, 2003). What reminds you of the person or thing you lost? What would help you acknowledge their impact on your life, and honor the person they were?

Finally, pay attention to any red flags:

Are you (or someone you know) having thoughts of hurting yourself or hurting others? Are you behaving in extreme ways that are out of the ordinary (unable to function at work/school, forgetting important assignments, or engaging in risky behavior)? Are you using substances to numb the pain? If so, please seek help through therapy and the support of friends.

There will be a time that grief will end. “It doesn’t mean we forget…It does mean we have experienced life to its fullest, complete with the cycle of birth and death. We have survived loss. We are allowing the power of grief and grieving to help us to heal and to live with the one we lost. That is the Gift of Grief.”

(Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2014)

References

Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief & grieving: finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. London: Simon & Schuster.

Blatner, A. (2000). Psychodramatic methods for facilitating bereavement. (Chapter 2, pages 41-50, in P. F. Kellermann & M. K. Hudgins (Eds.), Psychodrama with Trauma Survivors: Acting Out Your Pain. London: Jessica Kingsley / Taylor & Francis.

Castle, J., & Phillips, W. L. (2003). Grief Rituals: Aspects That Facilitate Adjustment to Bereavement. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 8(1), 41–71. doi: 10.1080/15325020305876